memories good or bad

You know we all have that memory could be good could be bad, it is a smell, a taste something that triggers a feeling.

Well had the taste of blood in my mouth the other day. The taste that once you have had you always remember and never forget! That taste you wish you were not tasting but know oh too well. So I went to the mirror and see nothing but I can taste it clear as day. So are my gums bleeding?? Is it my imagination? I have no idea is it happening or just some rotten memory haunting me?

Was begining to think I was loosing it but alas I am not. It is not some type of memory that is haunting me! Now every morning when I brush my teeth and spit it is tainted red. Been doing this for about 3-4 days.

Part of me cringes that I'm tasting it and part of me says oh well you been here before you know the drill. It is no biggie you knew it wouldn't last there has always been a part of me that hopes that after a treatment I end up cured or in remission. Last treatment of Winrho and yes I knew it was temporary but still was hoping. I had all these excuses you know oh this triggered it maybe I was cured and not in remission maybe this will boost me up and I'll stay there. I mean after all my count was 151 highest i've ever been!

That said I have no other signs except the odd little bruise here and there. (when ITP isn't active I do not bruise at all)


It is the oddest feeling but when I was in remission I would forget about ITP. Than something would happen and I'd start to worry is going to come back. Part of me wished that the remission is permanent! The other part of me knew that it could always come back. I would remind myself just to relax and enjoy. Sooner or later the whole circle would start again.

Someone asked me the other day am I happy! I've been pondering that question. What is happy! Can I be happy?

Was I happy when I was in remission because I'm out does this mean I must be sad? I don't think I full appreciated my remission and maybe that is why I need to travel down this road again. An odd familiar road dajavu not really scared sorta comforting to know I've been down this road and survived so this time it will be easier.

Does that make any sense? I am still pondering the question am I happy?
My answer: I have no idea! I truly have no idea!

Julia,

As supporting spouse (and empath) I have shared the ups and downs of someone with ITP, as well as someone having lived with severe hip pain. Personally, I have experienced intense joy and struggled with depression.

What I have learned is that happiness is what we [decide, choose, discover, define] it to be for ourselves individually. Even the [verb in brackets] is up to us! It is important to choose wisely. Then it is up to us to pursue that happiness.

External factors do influence - but do not determine - our ability to pursue happiness. Chronic pain (both physical and emotional) and concerns for loved ones are some big ones. But I have seen people find happiness in spite of great adversity, and people unhappy in spite of great fortune.

For some of us, being happy seems effortless. For most of us it is hard work. If you are a praying person, that can help greatly.

Besides, Julia, if you can survive having your head severed from your body, roll down a hill, and then be reattached, then I doubt that a little thing like low platelets can keep you down for long!

Julia - your post brings up some very good points. It's really been making me think. I have had many days lately where I keep telling myself that I should be happy, but I'm not. I have a few known reasons but can't figure out why for the most part.

Today was a good day and I do feel happy, so I'm going to hang onto that!

This part is an excellent point for people to ponder:

Someone asked me the other day am I happy! I've been pondering that question. What is happy! Can I be happy?

Was I happy when I was in remission because I'm out does this mean I must be sad? I don't think I full appreciated my remission and maybe that is why I need to travel down this road again. An odd familiar road dajavu not really scared sorta comforting to know I've been down this road and survived so this time it will be easier.

I think I am going to add it to the thread along with Steve's advice.

Rob16 Years ago I would of answer you saying I am a praying person. You said "What I have learned is that happiness is what we [decide, choose, discover, define] it to be for ourselves individually"

Since I have started pondering I think that is the very reason it has left me so baffled.

Sandi My son was admitted to hospital 1 1/2 weeks ago because of depression he's not taking my moms death too well. It was while I was talking to a friend who just happens to specialize in crisis and mental health (not school trained but that is what she does for a living) that we got on the subject. Than she posed that question too me. Since than i've been trying to figure out an answer.


Thoughts like is being happy decided on my health? and can I be frustrated with life and stuff and still be happy? Or because I have those days where I am unhappy does it mean i'm really unhappy or just sad for a day!


I must go read that thread and see Steve's advice.

Julia - I didn't know that your Mom died. I'm so sorry. How long ago?

I think my problem is dealing with every day frustrations and things that never seem to get better. I know that a lot of my happiness is dependent on my health status. How can I be truly happy with so many daily limitations and all this chronic pain? It tends to make you cranky and totally worn out doing it for so long. I see my friends having these fun, normal lives and mine hasn't been that way for a long time. People have told me how lucky I am to be retired. Lucky? I still had a good 12 years of work in me and I'd gladly go back to work for the ability to be able to do normal things that people take for granted. Don't misunderstand....I still laugh a lot and think life is worth living, but it's challenging. Oh well, it could still be worse!

I hope your son gets better soon. It's good that he's getting help. Many people will not go that route because they can't admit that it's needed. You raised some good questions and darn it, now I am soul searching!

I agree, I hope your son gets the help he needs. I know from experience how challenging depression can be. I have fought it three times. Tell him one day at a time.

That is so much at once to deal with and sorry you are going through all.of that! No wonder you are soul searching of happiness, health and life! Keep hearing that cliche of God not giving a person any more then they can handle and wondering why some people need to be so darn strong then sending you a smile in thinking of a better day and at least happy moments in every day!

For me I am trying to focus on the happy moments within the day if the whole day is not that great and many are not! But I try to find a few moments of happiness every day... Even if happiness some days is as indulgent and simple as chocolate or a email from a friend...

I hope everyone can find something each day to make them smile! Even if it takes some work!!

Julia,

I have a hug for you.................(hug)

Jeffrey

Julia, my heart goes out to you and your son. I have lived with and amidst mental health issues all my life, and I know there is no pain like emotional pain, except the pain of seeing your own child suffer. In this time of sadness for you, of losing your own mom, and questioning even what happiness means, you are also faced with your son's need for you to be strong and stay positive for his sake, and that will require every bit of strength you can find. So whatever works for you - be it prayer or positive energy, kind thoughts or virtual hugs - it's all headed your way.
--Rob

Sorry to hear about your mom, Julia! Hope your son feels better soon.

My mom died January 14th of this year is was 74 exactly born and died say day. That said my mom and I didn't get along. My son and I were living with her. I was working and taking care of her and my son was my back up.

He was there her last night in the house I had to work and couldn't get the night off. Came home and sent her to hospital she died 48hrs later. When my sisters and I would try and make my mom get help my son would stand up for her. Now he feels like it is his fault. He will get over this I am sure but like everything Time is what is needed.

As for me like I said we didn't get along she didn't like me. I had issue with her all my life and in the end I was so stressed. I would get angry and yell. When she died I felt bad than it dawned on me. Millions of people loose people without ever having the chance to resolve issues. I got to do that!

After 40 years of wanted to tell my mother how she made feel growing up! I was able to do that I got closer without realizing it.

Edited this to pass on info:

My son has been released! He is nervous but that is an okay sign!

Julia,

Memories can be good and bad - same with family. I am sorry for your loss weather we get along or not (more not in my corner of the world as well) we still have connections. I am glad your son is getting/seeking help and also glad that you have each other.

As for memories of the effects of ITP - can cause the heart to ache when you suspect "here I go again " but with the wonderful Family of Friends and Supporters here at PDSA we will all get through it and SURVIVE

Cindy Ann

Blessings, Hugs and Smiles for you

Went for a blood test got my results 37. Now that I know I can get on with life and ignore the taste and wait for the spots. Sooner or later they will show and than my gums will start to bleed I'll get feeling weak and than I will treat!

Another cycle been there done that! Don't want to do it again but will since I know I will have to!