Stress

Hello all, I hope you are all doing well. I am not so good.
Life has gotten so big and I feel so small. And alone.
I have been so miserably ill for so long now and it has zapped the life out of me. I feel so weak and have no stamina left. I can't seem to get anything done. Not for real work anyway. I feel so stuck and so very, very tired. it's a fatigue that I cannot seem to sleep off. I can manage to run our home and office but that's about it.
A few years ago I lost my brother in an accident on the family farm. I don't think I will ever be the same but I sure try hard to keep going, and I have.
We ended up buying the farm rather than lose it after 150 years to developers. We have renovated it and it's lovely. It was so much work and worry.
Our home is right next door and looks out over the farm.
Problem is that we have two homes now, we are not wealthy in anyway, and the costs $$$ and at this point we need to make a decision. We had hoped to move to the farm to retire. But now I am so tired and sick I just don't know what I want. Yes I do, I just want peace. I want quiet so I can rest. I want it to all go away. No more worries, bills, work exhaustion or pain.
But if we don't keep going we are paying for two houses and never going to get out of this mess. If I do move I have to physically do it. All the sorting and packing and getting rid of so much of our things as the farm house is much smaller. How does one even do that when they are well let alone not so well? If I do by some miracle get moved I will no doubt still be very ill and very tired and then not I will not be in my own house where I feel as comfortable, you know the "my own bed" thing. Transition and upheaval is for the birds any time let alone when you are not at your best.
What a hideous time and situation to be in.
My hubby works harder than any man I know. He sees me struggling so and I know he feels like the guy with the finger in the dike. He can't do everything and be everywhere. But there is just the two of us and I am broken and quite useless right now.
My mood is okay for the situation and I just keep telling myself it's temporary and baby steps...but holy smoke if I keep up this pace I'll be eighty before I'm at peace.
thanks so much for listening. Sandy Too

Sandy - all I can say is that I get it. Chances are, things will get better for you after you are off of the steroids for a while. Tapering causes fatigue like that and as I said, so can a Lupus flare. It won't be this way forever, so try not to see it as a long-term way of life.

Hi Sandy,
I hear you (even though I'm way down in Australia!) & understand.
Several years ago we made the decision to move off farm to allow our son & his family to take over. We don't do things by halves which meant we knocked down an old cottage & were involved with building a new home. We sorted, packed & shifted bit by bit ( made easier by the fact that at the time there had been floods, bush fires & an earthquake which put 'things' into perspective).
Meanwhile we have bought 2 more farming properties which included very rundown, neglected homes that needed cleaning up & renovating to become livable for staff to rent. I am so over cleaning up other people's . . . . & at times found myself exhausted, & rather resentful.
However, life goes on, & now I spend half my time looking after grandies & volunteering in our small community. We are still involved in our farming business (cropping & sheep) & are just starting several weeks of harvest.
The thing that kept me going, I believe, is having an awareness of my 'self', & trying to balance my life. Have read a lot of encouraging books on emotional, physical & spiritual health & have had to learn to say 'no'. I've even managed to put pegs on washing in odd colors, which for me is quite something!!
I hope you can see your way clear, that your health improves & you can enjoy time together in your special patch.
mj

Well, writing is cathartic. After my post I got up ...again...not pretty by no means, but got up and went through my office/gift/art room. Sorted everything and was brutal about my "has to go boxes". I did good. Then after some supper, we re-organized the boxes of "has to go" stuff in the basement and mingled the stuff I did today along with the "has to go" Christmas stuff.
But you know what is scary, there is still so much stuff! Even scarier is that I am not a keeper of stuff, and all of it we use almost every day. I want just to pitch everything at this point but I know I can't because I'll just have to end up buying it all over again. :dry:
Perhaps the best thing I did was find a professional organizer in our area. She helps folks (some much worse than me) organize and sort their lives. We had a good chat and I told her that it's not that I am a hoarder or unorganized, it's just after 30 years of being in the same space things just tend to accumulate.... gifts, items you don't use anymore but are too good to just toss...and that even sick I am doing okay getting allot done, just slow because I am not well right now. And then I hurt and have to take days off before I can get back at it. So she will come for a visit and offer her opinion on time frame She said even if all she has to do in my case is help me with the physical work, I think it might be very helpful, plus she does this for a living so I think her professional support and opinion will help too.
I am grateful for what I got done yesterday and that today I woke up with only my regular pain and stiffness which means I will be out of bed today. I'll have to take it easy though today or else....so frustrating.
Thanks so much for your replies and for listening. Today is my blood letting and I am a bit worried as I am sure my platelets are continuing to drop, and still no funding or no word.
Lord I just can't do another round of prednisone, I am way to tired to do it again. Then what?
thanks, Sandra

I get the stress and exhaustion part big time that said my suggestion!


Move to the farm and rent the house have the tenant pay the bills. That way you will always have an income. If your lucky to have both paid off then the rent may at least cover taxes or your bills. If you lived near me i'd say let me rent the house hehehe

Winnifred, we have been thinking of rentin our home as a vacation rental. We are very close to a great Provincial park, to a golf coarse, and wine country. Plus there is a pool and the grounds are large green and like a park too.
But we are so tired of the whole process. It just seems to never end. Then my health stuff on top.
The prednisone has me so shakey and anxious and I can't seem to shake it.
I want to run and hide and I don't know why even. I am so frustrated at myself. Sandy Too

Sandy, it is so hard letting go.
We agonized over leaving the farm, the place I grew up, with park like setting over a valley, close to town facilities, quiet, no neighbors or traffic etc. But we knew we had to do it. Too many people leave it too late, physically & mentally & in farmers' situations relationships become strained. We did not want that to happen, & as hard as it was we are now settled & our son & his family are much better off living on the main property, which he manages.
It upsets me a little when I see the changes made to the house & especially the garden, but we get along well & have a successful business.
I understand about the 'stuff' too, but you know, once I let go of things I never once regretted or missed them. There are some things left in the shed at the farm that we couldn't decide what to do with, & I can't remember what they are! Less stuff is less clutter, our home is easier to maintain & I found huge relief.
I occasionally browse 'garage' sales & am appalled at the junk that some people have accumulated & that should have been thrown out. Now you've got me going . . . so I'll stop.
I thought of you renting as well, however it sounds a big task to maintain unless you have help. Anyway, I hope it works out for you soon.
mj

Well today I can down sick again. Terrible sick. it's just like the other two times. After getting through the prednisone taper and I am just starting to feel like a human again....platelets are nice and high and then wham!....the platelets start to drop...get to about 130 and there goes the neighborhood again. Then yesterday my platelets dropped to 80.
I hurt to darn bad everywhere. Especially my face and head. Just aching and burning. I am burning up without a fever! Plus the fatigue is undescribeable again, I couldn't even get up today.
It's no wonder I feel so agitated and fed up. Nobody could work or accomplish anything feeling like this.
I am so darn tired of this. It's no wonder I feel so miserable.
Still no word on the funding.
I only have Tylenol 3 for pain and it really does nothing.
I don't even know here to turn anymore.
Maybe a nice hot bath.
Thanks so much for listening, you guys are the best. Sandy Too