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My sister 6 years 6 months ago #54297

  • DeeDee Marie
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Sandi, such sad news concerning your sister. Please be careful concerning your own health. You need to take care of yourself. My Mother-in-Law lives in Kent, WA, and they have gone through a similar situation. She has been in a wheel chair for about 4 years now and cannot take care of herself. My father-in-law died about 2 years ago. She went through all her money from the sell of her condo. Now she is in a Medicaid facility. She is too heavy for my husband's family to take care of and lift continuously from her wheel chair.

Sometimes there is no easy solution. Sending prayers to you and your family!
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My sister 6 years 6 months ago #54306

  • Sandi
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  • Sandi Forum Moderator Diagnosed in 1998, currently in remission. Diagnosed with Lupus in 2006. Last Count - 344k - 6-9-18
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Easier said than done, DeeDee. I've had to start wearing hats because I've lost so much hair. Stress is through the roof. I just got a hair cut a week ago and it was all even, now there are so many spots with missing hair that I don't think it can be fixed. I've been wearing fedoras. At least they are cool (I think). ;)

I've been having to go to my mom's every single day because she always needs something. She sometimes has expectations that I can't justify and it stresses me out. Example: She wants her car to get checked out at the dealership. She can't drive it, my sister did, and it's just sitting in the driveway doing nothing, going nowhere. She needs to just sell it instead of paying for car insurance for a car that she cannot even drive. There is no reason to have it checked out and I refuse to sit at a dealership for hours for no reason. My car needs inspected and I can't get to that. It's past due and I'm illegal.

She keeps saying things like, "Cindy never told me no". Well Cindy didn't also have her own house to run and she didn't have any kids that needed her or three dogs or health issues. I'm doing my best. I went over there today to pick her up for a mother's day lunch though and she had the dishes done. That was a shock because I usually have to stand there for 45 minutes cleaning up days and days of dirty dishes. I have stacks of her bills at my house because she hasn't paid anything for months. She's making me crazy. She says, "You don't know how much I depended on Cindy". Oh yes I do, because now it's me! She needs a hair cut, the dog needs groomed, she needs face soap at the Mall, she needs groceries, she needs to go to the dentist, she needs aagghhhh!

Sorry, just venting. :woohoo:

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My sister 6 years 6 months ago #54310

  • CindyL
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I can sympathize with you, Sandi! The only thing is, it is easier for me since mum lives with Steven and me. She wanted to keep dad's car, so we went and got a loan in her name and now it belongs to her. We haven't driven our car in months and like you, it is illegal. Needs an inspection done and to be registered. Mum's is due this month too.

Have you heard what happened to your sister yet? Been wondering how you're doing.

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My sister 6 years 6 months ago #54311

  • DeeDee Marie
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Sandi, I think it is always going to be harder on you because I think you said your Mom has some dementia. My Mother-in-Law doesn't seem to have any dementia (she's 84) and anything my brother-in-law or sister-in-law does for her is fine. She especially favors my sister-in-law. So, she never gets mad at them no matter what. She probably gave them her last dollar--which is sad.

Your Mom is going to continually get a little worse. Now, my aunt who had extreme dementia, needed special care even though my uncle was alive. I think in their situation, her daughter borrowed on her Mom's home and has been using the money to take care of first her (until she passed), and now my Uncle (who is now 90) who needs special care. They use his SSI and pension to make the payments on the house. But, this way, they do have money to hire people to help out continuously (when needed). They will still have equity left in the home when my uncle passes. I know this because I have a real estate license. It cost a lot less this way then putting them both in homes. You will need to figure out a way to help her out without losing your own health over all of this. You need to have power of attorney over her and make decisions--even if it makes her mad. She may not even know what you are doing at times. I've notice that some people with dementia (including my aunt) get very mean at times; it's part of the illness. My aunt lived at least four years with extreme dementia and was getting really mean and angry at times. My uncles had to even put a special lock at the top of the door so she wouldn't leave the house.

Please think of yourself, too, as it is a very tiring situation and your Mother probably doesn't understand what she is even doing most of the time.

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My sister 6 years 6 months ago #54312

  • Sandi
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  • Sandi Forum Moderator Diagnosed in 1998, currently in remission. Diagnosed with Lupus in 2006. Last Count - 344k - 6-9-18
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I have a POA and am using it to take care of things. She seems relieved. Her savings is wiped out and she doesn't have enough to cover expenses now, so I closed out one of her IRA's to live on for a while. She didn't even remember that she had those accounts.

I can't bring her here to live with me. She has my sister's dog and cat now, and I have three labs who would knock her over or trip her. She walks with a cane and weighs about 98 pounds. My house isn't all that big and even I trip over them.

Her house needs cleaned so I gave her Merry Maids for Mother's Day. She was happy about it, but keeps going on about people touching her things and they better do it right, etc. I feel sorry for the people that end up going because she will watch everything they do and get bossy. She doesn't like strangers in her house which is why it's hard to hire help. She is mean to people that she doesn't know. She was always like that though. :S

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My sister 6 years 6 months ago #54316

  • dots
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Thinking of you, Sandi. I'm sorry that you have so much to deal with, all while grieving.

Sending wishes for strength.
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My sister 6 years 6 months ago #54333

  • Sandi
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  • Sandi Forum Moderator Diagnosed in 1998, currently in remission. Diagnosed with Lupus in 2006. Last Count - 344k - 6-9-18
  • Posts: 12436
  • Karma: 11
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Oh, and we don't know my sister's cause of death yet. We won't until the Death Certificate comes in about three more months.

I looked in her drawers and found two prescriptions for antidepressants. One was from mid March and had 90 pills, and a second, different one was filled in April a few days before she died. I counted the pills and it looks like she took both of them every day that she was alive. I looked up the adverse effects and those two drugs are contraindicated and can cause serotonin syndrome. She went to the ER on Friday because she felt like she was having heart attack. She was discharged. She died on Sunday. Rapid pulse is a symptom of serotonin syndrome. I don't know if this is why she died, but it sure seems likely.

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My sister 6 years 6 months ago #54493

  • Charlottelaughs
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Sandi, I just saw this, (I've made my way to the non-newbie threads) and I just want to add my condolences. So sorry about your sister, and the timing of all this, suddenly being the primary support for your aging mother, while dealing with your own long standing health problems. That's a whole lot to deal with all at the same time. No wonder your hair is falling out!

I've not dealt with these issues yet, so I don't have advice for you, but I do have love and good thoughts and gratitude for you, and I'll do my best to send them your way, hoping that they will either ease your burden, or strengthen you, so that you are able to carry the burden with more ease.

And to quote some really helpful advice that a kind and wise woman gave me about a week and a half ago, ;)

"Take each week as it comes and you will be fine. You can do this."

(So much for not having advice huh? But it is really good advice, applicable to a wide variety of issues. Right? Right!)

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